If you’re reading this and possess actual musical talent with a real devoted fanbase (irrespective of its size), then this guide is not for you.
This guide is for those of you who wish to “become famous for the sake of being famous“, irrespective of whether you’re actually devoted to the art of creating music. And for ease of exposition, I’m going to assume that you’re interested in becoming a pop star.
If you happen to be one of those people, you want to give everyone the impression of possessing talent and success. This is a guide to achieve that goal, which shall be separated into two sections: (1) how to hide your lack of musical ability; and (2) how to fake the size of your audience.
How To Hide Your Lack Of Musical Ability
If you don’t know what autotune is, here’s an eye opening example of how it can benefit you. It can transform your voice from this:
Never give a live solo performance
If you profess to be “a singer” and have any semblance of musical talent, you should be able to sit down with just your piano or guitar (or an accompanist if you don’t play an instrument) and impress an audience with the quality of your live performance.
However, if you don’t, then avoid giving such performances at all costs, because there won’t be any Autotune within arm’s reach to save you.
Just post cute pictures and videos of yourself on your Instagram and TikTok flexing your body or wiggling your ass and no one will even notice that they haven’t seen you actually perform, which brings us to our next section…
If you’re a guy, it helps if you’re at least 6 feet tall, broad shouldered with a V-shaped torso and have a facial measurements that coincide with the Golden Ratio (like Shawn Mendes who IMO, is actually talented).
If you’re a girl, wear skimpy clothing and learn how to pose & pout. You’ll have thousands of thirsty guys following your Instagram and TikTok in no time – and it’s not your musical ability that they’ll be interested in.😉
How To Fake the Size of Your Audience
Buy Instagram Followers
Now, you have to be careful about buying fake IG followers: in 2018, Instagram started cracking down on practices that oppose its terms of service. And this includes fake followers.
Moreover, brands don’t want to be misled by the Instagram influencers they hire to represent their product or service. They don’t want to pay up to thousands of dollars to an influencer to hawk their product only to realize that in reality, that influencer’s followers are mostly IG bot accounts.
As a result, third-party auditing and vetting tools are getting increasingly popular among businesses who wish to audit IG influencer accounts before retaining an IG influencer to sell their product. Because Instagram auditing tools often look for spikes and jags in follower acquisition, you can now pay to get followers at a less suspicious rate of growth. Here’s a site that gives a list of the 21 best places to buy Instagram followers.
Buy TikTok Followers
Happily, there is a viable alternative to Instagram, which is TikTok. As of today’s writing, TikTok doesn’t have any specific policy against buying followers. And you can get followers pretty inexpensively: here’s the price list for one prominent service provider that can provide you with followers, views, comments, likes and shares:
Buy Spotify Streams and Followers
Why should you purchase Spotify streams and followers? I’m going to quote verbatim from this website which lists the 8 best sites to purchase such services:
As Spotify represents a sort of a social media for placing your, well, music media, the same rules apply as in other social media platforms: presence is everything and high levels of engagement are a must.
If you garner enough attention, you can start snowballing and eventually stick out above the level of nondescript masses. If you don’t, however, you might just as well be throwing your music down a drainpipe: without an ear to listen to it.
But there are things you can do in order to help your positions a bit. The domino-effect of the social media attention is by now common knowledge, and software algorithms actively favor accounts that already show a promise by having a promising audience.
After all, this is how humans function: our interests are piqued when we notice something that attracts others. Here’s where our topic comes in: a quick boost in your audience can convince both algorithms and people that your content is actually worth their attention.
Your content will start showing up more frequently, and you will automatically attract a broader target audience. See all those big names? They’ve probably undergone the same process (editor: where’s the evidence?).
Speaking of other content creators, the increasing number of users of Spotify growth services indicates that buying Spotify plays, followers, and/or streams perhaps isn’t a choice anymore (editor: this is an opinion, not a statement of fact).
Morality? Bah! Fair play? Nonsense – that’s for losers! You want to become famous don’t you? I mean, it’s not like you have any actual musical talent that’ll make people want to listen to you on Spotify of their own accord, right? And besides – everyone’s doing it, so it must be OK, right?
Anyways, here’s a typical price list for the services you can purchase to boost your presence on Spotify.
|1,000 monthly listeners||$3.00|
|50,000 monthly listeners||$59.00|
The actor Will Smith once said:
“There is a certain delusional quality that all successful people have to have. You have to believe that something different than what has happened for the last 50 million years can happen. Being realistic is the most commonly travelled road to mediocrity”
Consider that as of May 2019, 40,000 tracks were being uploaded onto Spotify each day. And it’s quite likely that the quantity of daily uploads has only accelerated since that time.
The fact of the matter is this: advances in recording technology – both in audio quality and ease of use, combined with ease of access due to increased affordability to said technology, have made it easier than ever for just about anyone to become an aspiring pop star – irrespective of actual musical talent.
Consequently dear reader, you’re going to be one of millions of people around the world vying for your place in the sun among the great musically-challenged pop stars in history, such as Madonna (who is actually very talented, just not in musical ability) and Brittany Spears (basically a pop queen who didn’t need to sing).
Therefore, if you’re handicapped by a lack of actual musical talent, you need to be delusional in order to take your place beside Madonna and Brittany! And what better way to keep that delusion alive than taking the advice I gave you above!
Therefore, please consider my advice as a guide to accompany you through your journey to join those aforementioned legends as you vye for the attention and fame you’re seeking. 🙌